Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage