Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
are they though??
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: