[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.