Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”