*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My dad is at it again
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.