*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.