*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I think this cat is broken
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.