How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove