Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.