Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I know this now 😂
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”