I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Seems legit
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Only a mother’s love …
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Succinctly put.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”