COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.