Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
For when Tinder doesn’t work
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt