All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Bringing home a sharpie
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Monday
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]