Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Damn what did I do next
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.