Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”