There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
This pepper has seen some shit
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
no one likes gloating
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.