Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Sign at work today
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.