Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
You Might Also Like
this is the best day of my life
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed