Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Donating blood today to make room for more food
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’