For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.