5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.