trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird