[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.