Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine