Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.