You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not