GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Cat.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything