I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena