my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Rambo Rambow
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
We avoided this particular disaster
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.