Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake