Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.