A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!