Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year