ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”