My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression