Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
You Might Also Like
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.