DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.