Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Received some very disappointing news today
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I mean…but I did
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.