“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!