Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.