definitely did not do anything wrong
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Mornin
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything