Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?