You Might Also Like
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.