Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late