When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.