INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?