the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
smh
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.