[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
This a good idea
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The funk soul brother
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants