A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?